Gods' Diary

Mon, 7 Nov 2011 | wilfred

Adam finds a diary under a tree in the Garden of Eden

Adam was walking through the Garden of Eden. It was Saturday. He wasn’t working. One did not work on Saturday in the Garden of Eden. He was just walking, and he was looking at the plants, and trying to remember the names he had been giving them yesterday.

Under a tree—not The Tree, you know the one—just a tree, he noticed a rather nice Moleskine diary.

Although Eve has acquired a reputation for being curious, Adam was certainly not one to walk past a diary, and not investigate any further. He picked it up.

And he opened it.

It only had six entries.

Not surprising, really. The universe had only started on Sunday.

This is what Adam read:

Sunday 1 January 8000 B.C.

Today was Day 1 of Project Universe. After all our planning, we got tired of planning, and decided just to go ahead. That constant quantum-mechanical hum of the vacuum we’ve been existing in was seriously starting to annoy us.

We know we haven’t ironed out all the wrinkles yet, but we’ll figure things out as we go along. We separated light from dark today. Everything went smoothly. It’s nice to have a modicum of organisation now. We’re off to a good start. It’s a good feeling!

Monday 2 January 8000 B.C.

We created some sky, which, after a little debate, we decided to call “the heavens” because it was finally agreed that it sounds cooler than “sky”. And also when you live in ”the heavens” it is a lot more credible than if you just live in ”the sky”. Like, the postal address “God, Number 1 The Heavens” obviously sounds a lot better than “God, Number 1 The Sky”.

We created “the heavens” to separated the water. Oh, yes, we created some water. We forgot to mention that. Obviously it must have come from somewhere, right, so it should go without saying.

Tuesday 3 January 8000 B.C.

Today we separated the sea and the land. And we created plants.

It’s awfully cold. That’s convenient when you are separating sea and land, because the sea is all frozen, so you can just smash it up, and chuck it into piles. But the temparature is a bitch when you are trying to make plants. They are so brittle. And they can’t grow.

Wednesday 4 January 8000 B.C.

Oh my gods, how stupid we were yesterday! We forgot about making the sun! So we made the sun and the moon and the stars today. Wow, if only we’d thought of that before making the sea and the plants. It would have been so much easier! The plants even grow now. And gravity – now that is useful!

We got the planet rotating, so now this whole day-night thing just happens on its own. And of course, now that we have a moon, there are tides. Things are all coming together nicely.

Thursday 5 January 8000 B.C.

Created fish and birds today. We started with the fish, cos that was easy; we just waited for the plants to evolve. The birds were a little trickier. We took the flying fish, and glued on some feathers. And popped in some lungs. And slapped on a beak. Surely there must be an easier way.

Friday 6 January 8000 B.C.

We created land animals and humans today. If only we’d created the land animals yesterday, and the birds today, it would have been much easier. Anyway, never mind.

We made the humans in our own image. That way they’ll be able to recognise us. I guess we’ll have to tell them that we’re the ones that look like them, but live in the sky—the heavens—whatever. Anyway, it’s sure to be useful in the future.

We told them to subdue the earth, and have dominion over every living thing, causing extinction levels unseen since we uncreated the dinosaurs this morning.

We also told the humans to multiply, until there are far more of them than can possibly be supported by the earth. That’s going to get interesting!

Tomorrow we'll kick up our feet, create some Budweisers, and watch the fun.

“Fuck it”, thought Adam, “let me find Eve and try that fruit she was going on about. ... At least with a little knowledge we might stand a chance.”

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